Interview #2

Our interview #2 was a success!! Like I mentioned in the previous post, our house was probably the cleanest it has ever been!! However, our social worker only came right over and we sat at the table for the interview--all that hard work for nothing-bummer!! But it was good to get through one more step! So this interview was our one-on-one interview where we both filled out more paper work seperately and then Mark left the house for about an hour and when my portion was done, he came back and then I left for his portion. Thankfully it was a beautiful day so on the parts where we needed to leave the house, we each took our yellow lab for a walk.

The interview itself really wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be-praise God!! I was so stinkin' nervous for it I couldn't sleep a couple days before it! And since Mark went second, a lot of the times when Mark would say something, C (our social worker) would say, "glad you and Kelly are on the same page" or "yes, that was what Kelly was saying too!" So it really does seem like Mark and I are in a great marriage groove and are on the same page and gave similar answers-which sounds funny, but that's actually what I was nervous about. We have been married for almost 4 years (yay!!!) but Mark isn't the best at remembering all the "facts" (bless his heart because he does listen and tries to remember) so I was really anxious that our stories would be told differently and wouldn't match up--but they did!! :)

Our next interview is on May 2nd and this is where she will be inspecting our home to make sure we have a room designated for the baby, smoke detectors, a fire extinguisher in the kitchen, and a few other things. I'm not really "nervous" for this one persay, but will still clean like a mad woman since she will be all over our house "judging" it and making sure it will be a good place for a baby to be part of our family. Thankfully I have the best friend in the whole world who will come over and help me clean the day before!! She seriously rocks!

So after our home inspection I guess we have one more interview--not sure what the 4th one will entail--I think it was something about us reading what she has written for our home study? Not sure!!

We do have a few prayer requests:
--That above all, God is glorified in this process
--Please be praying for all those affected in the adoption process (ie birth parents, adopted kiddos, adoptive parents)
-for the birth parentswho either are considering placing their child(ren) for adoption or has placed their children for adoption
-for those who have been placed for adoption or are in that place that Jesus heals the loss that takes part in adoption
-for adoptive parents in all walks of the adoption (either considering it, are in their home home study or have already adopted) that they may know that they aren't alone, adopting is hard but worth it, and that they may empower their kids to not be ashamed of being adopted
--for our social worker, C, that she is able to portray us in a truthful manner, but also with our best foot put forward and that she helps us get approved if that's what the Lord wants
--And lastly, for us. Mostly for our finances at this point as we just wrote a check for our home study that pretty much clears out our adoption savings...we are still $26,000 (and some change) short of being completely funded in our adoption. That number is mighty scary because we have no idea how that money is going to come about--and while we could totally get a loan, we would prefer not to as we are trying to get out of debt instead of into more of it so we can further the kingdom-and believe God wants us to get that money some way, some how. So prayers as we figure out creative ways to make that work and for those who would love to help us out :)

Thanks for following us on this journey we call adoption :)

Interview #2 Coming Up

We hope everyone had a great Easter weekend and are able to enjoy the sunshine (if you've been lucky enough to have any). Tomorrow marks our second home study interview. Our social worker is coming to our house for the first time which makes me SUPER nervous! It's crazy to think that this is kind of our halfway mark in our interview process, it could even be our second to last interview. It's really hard to know how our social worker wants to do things. Some social workers will only have 3 and others will have 4--it is really social worker dependant.

We have been working on cleaning our house like it's never been cleaned before. It's funny though--when I say we need to clean our house and do some "deep cleaning" I've gotten interesting responses from people such as, "oh, you're house is clean enough" and "it won't matter to the social worker that your oven is clean or not". Not that those are INTERESTING, but really, it for me, the root of wanting our house super clean, even deep cleaned, is a control issue. We don't get to control how our baby comes into this world (ie being a biological baby), we don't even get to control when they come (the birthmom chooses us and she delievers the baby when it's time) and we don't control a lot of other things--so by me cleaning, I can control how clean our house looks. It may not make a difference to the social worker knowing that our oven has been cleaned for the second time in a month, but it makes me feel better to present our house in its cleanest state. Luckily my best friend came over and helped me clean all day yesterday and we were able to bust out some organization too! Tonight will be finishing cleaning and tomorrow morning, before our social worker comes, will be last minute straigtening and cleaning.

I am more nervous for this interview than I was for the first one, because this one is even more personal. They ask you questions that know one should really know except your spouse--yet somehow, it affects getting a baby or not??

This adoption process is crazy. It's a whirlwind I tell ya!! So we are just finishing cleaning tonight and then if there is time, I may even hop online and start our profile book. There is a gal that I met through our agency that is also adopting and they have to turn their books in before than can be approved...so if we really only have 1 or 2 more interviews left, then we need to get on that!! We also need to be putting more time into our birth mother/father letters as those need to be ready to go with our books. EEEKK! It's all becoming that much more real! We are excited to see where God is leading us and taking us. It's such a great season of life to be in when we have to be dependant upon Him. He is so great and is totally blessing us!

I'll leave you with a question--for our profile books, we have to make a "scrapbook" of sorts--but we are doing ours online because I am not crafy it my life depended on it (although I do love it). So we are looking into using mypublisher, mixbook, shutterfly, or whatever else is out there. What's your favorite to use and why? (you can answer this even if you're not adopting/have adopted...I'm sure many of you have used these services for other things than a profile book :) )

OH!! Something unrelated to adoption--my parents have been down in Haiti for a week (as of today) and come back tomorrow. They have been with 19 other people training police officers and security guards and have had such a blessed time. I was able to talk to my dad briefly last night and he said that this is one of the best teams he has been able to lead and that God is doing amazing things down there. I cannot wait to have them back in the States where I can chat more with them but if you could be saying a prayer for them for safe travels home-thanks!!

Enjoy the sunny weekend--we are supposed to hit 80 on Sunday!! WAHOO!!

Our First Interview!!

Yesterday we had our very first home study interview. I was a nervous and excited wreck! For me, this made it feel all that more real that we are adopting!! I know I've talked about it for months, researched every agency in our state, talked and prayed more about adoption, applied to Bethany, then did the training in Seattle followed by tons of paperwork--but walking into the Bethany office knowing it's our first interview just made it all real.

We are so thankful to all those that prayed and thought about us yesterday--the prayers could be felt! When we made it into our social worker's office, our nerves were calmed and the interview went well (in our opinion). This was the first time meeting this social worker as our original social worker changed positions within the agency, so I think that also led to me (Kelly) being more nervous. Our social worker, C, is super nice and has a really cool personality and love for the Lord and love for adoptions. She said that this interview was about getting to know us--and it was just that. She asked us some questions such as, "what are your goals for your family?" and "what does a typical day look like your lives?" and "describe the other person/what are the other person's strengths?" and "what are your disciplining styles?" and other questions about us. We liked that some questions were easy and others made us think a little more, but were still answerable. We didn't feel "tricked" or anything like that and we both feel she really does have our best interest at heart--which is something I KNEW, but it wasn't something I FELT until yesterday.

So what's next? Well, we have our one on one interviews coming up where she will come to our house and interview us one at a time and the other one of us will have to leave the house and then switch. That's the next nervous thing for me--because I like to always know what Mark is talking about/what he's going to say...not that we have anything to hide, but there is stil that scary piece of the unlnown. Then we will have one, maybe two more interviews after that. Once C (our social worker) feels like she has asked all the questions she needs and knows us more personally than anyone else does, she will write our home study. So the process from interview one to when she writes our actual home study is about 6 weeks. After it's written, we will get the chance to read it and make sure we approve what is written, then the home study gets sent to the panel for review and either approval or denial. That could also take about 6 weeks. So in about 12 weeks (hopefully sooner!) we could be on the waiting list and waiting for a baby!! Now THAT is the most exciting and nervous statement I've made in pretty much my whole life! I cannot wait to be a mom to a little baby to hold and love forever! It's so nice to have a time line also to know when our profile books and dear birthfather and dear birthmother letters need to be written and "published" with something like mix book or snapfish.

So there you have it. Yesterday was great, next interviews in a week or two, and we have a timeline!! :)

Struggles with Infertility

When I started this blog, I only planned on talking about the "happy" moments of our adoption--and not any of the tough stuff...because let's be honest, it's so much easier putting on a facade of how GREAT adoption is and how we haven't struggled one bit in every step of the way. And then I am challenged by God that the facade isn't real and is doing a disservice to myself and to the few that read our blog. Adoption is GREAT but there is hard stuff that goes along with it. Being on the road to parenthood is AMAZING, but it doesn't come with it's share of hardships. A little about our story...

We came to the conclusion to adopt because we found out in December 2010 that we were unable to concieve naturally. It was devestating for us. We both have always wanted to be parents and if I'm honest with myself, I wanted to get pregnant pretty much right after the honeymoon. I love babies and kids of all ages-so the thought of having a large family was very exciting to me, but it also meant that we "needed to start right away." When it didn't happen I wasn't too concerned because I kept trusting God that in His time it'd all happen. But in Sepetember of 2010 I was having some health issues so I was going to the doctor, who also casually mentioned that we should both get tested for fertility. We did and that's when a few months later we found out the heart wrenching news. We called our immediate family that evening to let them know and their responses were all so different. But since then, we've also had some interesting responses from people around us...more on that later. In January 2011 we researched fertility options and adoption options and liked both of them but didn't feel ready to dive into anything yet. Several months went by and decided to continue to pray about our options and still wrestled with what was best for our first child. Ultimately, we have chosen adoption for this child but we have no idea how our next child(ren) will come into this world or if there will even be another one after this one.

But today, I really wanted to talk about infertility. Since we have faced this, we have really seen a wide array of how people deal with infertility. It's been difficult for us to watch others get pregnant for the first, second, third and forth time...we ARE happy for them but it doesn't make it any less hard. I came across this website called www.resolve.org and it's the National Infertility Association. I have been getting their newsletters every month and back in November 2011, I got this newsletter that spoke right to my heart. I haven't wanted to share it with people in fear of y'all thinking I am not approachable or I am too sensitive. But really, I'd love to bring awareness to infertility and make it less of a taboo subject to talk about. Their website has tons of resources and other articles to read if you're interested--and I'd highly recommend you checking out their website and reading more!! Below, I'm going to copy and past the November newsletter found here: http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html. I bolded parts that really hit home for me and would love for people to better understand.

"Infertility Etiquette:

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again."

With all of that to say, we are just wanting to be open with our lives. We understand that everyone (including us) sometimes says things that we don't think about before we say them. Some of the people we know truly just don't know what to say to us and that's ok! We still love you guys. We want our friends and family to know some of the pain it has taken to get to the point where we are at and to know that adoption by no means is a "last ditch effort." It is thought about and planned for. Before we found out we were unable to concieve, we had always talked about adopting at least one of our children. We never "planned" on it being our first child--but God has a funny sense of humor :) We also want others to be made aware of infertility--because the chances are, you know many couples that are struggling with it even if they haven't told you.